We all have questions about our favourite childhood video game characters. What drives them? Who are they? What do they do in their off time? Who are the people behind the beloved characters? Well, today we finally find out, because I have secured an interview with the ever present, beloved mascot of video gaming, Mario!
So, without further ado, let's get the the questions, shall we?
Editor's Note: This interview contains much foul language. Reader discretion is advised. This is no joke.
magx: So, Mario, before we begin, I just want to thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. I'm going to try and maintain a calm, neutral demeanor, but I mean.....wow, you're freaking Mario, man! [pause] Okay, okay. I'm collected. So, yes, thanks for sitting down with me today.
Mario: It's a me, Mario!
magx: Yes, but actually, as we spoke about, this series of interviews has the cha-
Mario: That's a so nice!
magx: Uh......Mario? We're actually looking for an out of character interview here. So please, if you would kindly drop character, as much as we love it, we'd be much obliged.
Andrew Dice Clay: Ah, fuck, finally. That's a fuckin relief, you know what I mean.
magx: Uh.....you're.......Andrew Dice Clay?!
Andrew Dice Clay: You're fuckin surprised? What the fuck, I thought it was obvious? Where'd you think I'd been all these years?
Editor's Note: For those unfamiliar with Andrew Dice Clay, see the following video:
It's a minute or so long clip of Mr. Clay (sorry, Diceman) on CNN, telling off the reporter. His comedy routines can also be seen on youtube. To sum up his act, it's very vulgar, misogynistic, racist, and all around raucous.
magx: [long pause] Well, okay.....ahem....Alright, so I guess we'll get started. So, Mr. Cla-
Andrew Dice Clay: Andrew, please, or Diceman, none of this Mr. shit, you know what I mean? [he pauses to light up a cigarette]
magx: Okay, sorry about that, Andrew. So, please, explain how you went from the comedy stage, selling out Madison Square Garden, to playing perhaps the most beloved character in all of video gaming?
Andrew Dice Clay: Well, that's pretty easy. I was backstage after a show, getting my dick sucked, you know, I mean, this chick was really working my shit, you know? So I blow in her hair, and as I'm lighting up a cigarette, I hear this little voice. I look up, and there's this little Jappy yappy in front of me, you know, like 4 foot 2, and he's got a translator with him, and next thing I know, he's offering me this gig.
magx: So, you decided right on the spot?
Andrew Dice Clay: Well, ya, you know, I mean, I was still the best fucking comedian who ever lived, but my numbers maybe weren't like they were a few years before, you know? And I got this guy offering me a long term deal, big money, and all I gotta do is rescue some fucking mopy idiot from a fire breathing piece of shit once every couple of years? And along the way I get to do mushrooms, and jump on stupid fuckin turtles, which is great, because I hate stupid fucking turtles. I mean, who the fuck invented those useless, slow pieces of shit? I fuckin sat there for thirty minutes once, watching this big dumbass turtle fuck walk from one end of my bathroom to the other. Thirty fucking minutes? I drowned him in the toilet, just for being so fucking stupid.
magx: [pause] Well.....I don't know if I would have drowned him......
Andrew Dice Clay: What are, you some kind of liberal pussyfuck? Oh, save the turtles? They're life too? Fuck that.
magx: ….....Okay, okay, well, let's get this back on track. So, Mr. Miyamoto offers you the role of Mario, and you take it. Now what?
Andrew Dice Clay: Well, I started out in some shitty games, donkey kong, and shit, hell, I was even called Jumpman at first. Then, in '83, I get this retard brother and we have to save New Yor City from these little fucks running around the sewer. At this point, I'm wondering what the fuck I'm doin, here, you know? Like, I'm ready to stomp that little Jappy yappy into the ground, money or no money. Fuck this shit.
magx: But then Super Mario Bros. happened.
Andrew Dice Clay: Ya, suddenly, I'm running free through these trippy world, doing shrooms and shit, rescuing this fucking broad, who doesn't even give me any by the way, so I have to take it later on, you know what I mean? She wanted to quit the first time, and go to the cops, but I set that bitch straight. So, anyways, there was the piece of shit second game, but then the third one was awesome. I mean, I'm traveling all over the place, I'm on airships, I'm so high everything looks like it's gigantic in the one place, I mean I'm just tripping out, you know? [pauses to light another cigarette] This is a pretty good gig.
magx: And then you get a dinosaur.
Andrew Dice Clay: And then I get a dinosaur. You know how much the broads love that fuckin tongue? I mean, I was getting pussy before, but now? Fuggedaboutit! Even that frigid bitch couldn't refuse anymore, at least, not behind the scenes. Sure, in the games, she's still little miss innocent, making me cake in Super Mario 64, but you know what happened backstage? I ate that cake off her tits and she did a line of coke off my balls, and then I used that dinosaurs tongue on her for three hours. It was fuckin beautiful, I mean, I'm having the time of my life, you know what I mean?
magx:Ya....it sounds like it, although I have to say, a lot of my childhood illusions are being shattered here.
Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, everybody has to grow up sometime, you know?
magx: True enough. So, tell me, what's your favourite Mario game?
Andrew Dice Clay: Super Mario Sunshine was a lot of fun. I loved playing with my hose.
magx: [pause] Of course. So, anything you want to say to the fans before we end this......rather.....illuminating interview?
Andrew Dice Clay:Ya, go fuck yourself.
magx: Great. Well, thanks for the interview, and we hope to see yo-well, Mario, soon.
[End of Interview]
Well, there it is. For better or for worse, that's the real Mario, folks. I think I am going to need some time to digest it all. I mean, that was one of my childhood heroes, and to know that, this whole time, it was really Andrew Dice Clay behind that smiling face.......I don't know. I think this Mario fan is disappointed. Be sure to let us know how you feel in the comment section.
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